Waiting


Waiting is no easy act. Actively waiting, stopping yourself from pouring out the words in your mind, screaming out the insults, injustice, and love is no piece of cake. When you learn to wait, you grow old by the minute. Or maybe you grow mature by the minute.

Waiting builds character. Waiting requires patience. Limiting your desires, keeping feelings inside. It’s hard for some people, not to express, to holding things back when you know all you need is to act. But if it’s clear that no one will listen, you wait. You spend days waiting, having one-sided conversations. Waiting for the day conversation will happen, going through every little thing you want to say or don’t want to say. Some of them you really shouldn’t say. Waiting for explanations that might make your life a little easier to manage.

My heart grows big with anger. It accumulates resentment, jealousy. My heart expands with love, all the love that I could not give, the compassion I kept in and the forgiveness that never had a chance to leave. Everyday, there is more passion, impatience and love. My heart grows bigger, reaching up my chest, spreading to my face, thickening behind my eyes. Emotions, in all hues of the spectrum, gather into salty pools, kept away by the blink of an eye.

My brain grows big with all the “could have’s”. All the memories never lived, and all the plans never bloomed, come together, clogging the folds on my brain. The same stories on loop, fill my head, with the “if’s”, and “but they did’s”. My brain grows bigger, growing down towards my ears, one sided arguments trying to find a way out. Everything I kept to myself gets stuck in my throat, swallowed down in a second.

Waiting builds character. Waiting requires patience. Limiting desires, keeping feelings inside is hard when all you want is to scream out the insults, injustice, love. Waiting creates an illusion of weakness when the resolution rests on reciprocation. But you must understand, waiting is a practice of letting go, a manifestation of maturity. It’s a sign that things happen out of our control, and sometimes the best thing to do is wait. If you wait long enough, things happen.

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Sangha Without Borders is currently physically located in London, UK