Getting Introduced to Meditation
"My first experience with mediation was “ I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM THIS BEAUTIFUL PERSON” and I mean this in the most non-pretentious way! This was roughly three and a half years ago when I saw myself as someone weak that would NEED others for every decision I would make because I couldn’t trust my own.
So here I am in Donald’s class on a fall September day in 2013 struck by the amazingness that I just witnessed in a 30 minute meditation. This had never happened to me before, I felt like all my worries, stresses, fears were absolutely nothing in comparison to the grandiosity that just inhabited me. I felt like superwoman, unafraid to live life and ready to take on all it’s challenges. I felt like my cup was overflowing with so much light that I ended up calling a few of my friends after that class that I knew would benefit from this warm blanket I felt was surrounding me, I wanted to share this secret with everyone I knew. I mean how could anyone not know this?
This enthusiasm lasted for a little while until I was faced with sides of myself that I had kept shut very tight for quite some time, I felt like I had hit a wall and panicked because I didn’t want that beautiful side to go away. I was manipulating the situation in order to try and recreate the bliss I had felt a few weeks prior. But the manipulating and needing of that emotion only drew me further away from that joy until I had no other choice but to face those unwanted sides. It freaked me out big time because I wanted oh, so badly to be that spiritual ideal, that I was fearing embodying those humanly emotions would veer me way off my track, so I wouldn’t allow myself to explore any of them. This would work BUT my meditation would feel manipulated, I would feel as though I was walking on eggshells therefore my mediation began to feel more like a burden than an actual relief.
Interestingly though, I started to notice that my life was also feeling manipulated, I noticed I would work hard on trying to be someone when I was around certain people or would work really hard in trying to avoid painful emotions, in other words my life AND my meditation felt like hard work.
I saw the correlation between both, and immediately noticed meditation is simply a space that can allow you to get in touch to the underlying emotions you go through on a day-to-day basis. It was my choice to either be brave and see them, or turn my head and pretend this wasn’t happening. What I discovered at this point was to gradually start allowing myself to be human, allowing myself to feel these emotions, having faith that life totally has my back and allowing myself to crack those eggshells. In my meditation I learned to create space for the chattering ego without getting too engaged with it because in reality, it just wants to be heard. The more I create space for it to vent off, the more space I create for me to breathe and receive. I noticed my meditation, just like my life, was starting to feel lighter and happier without really trying hard. By controlling aspects of our life, our souls get so filled up with the hard work that love's gentles touch passes right by us.
I learned that just as love is gentle, mediation is gentle, we have to learn to create an inner space that feels greeting, warming, loving where anything you feel or think is accepted, a place that you promise yourself not to change, only to get to know.
As soon as I caught on to this truth, the blaring light I felt from the beginning of my mediation journey reappeared. You will see that the more you calm your mind, the more light will shine and the more gifts you will discover that you have in hidden places you would have never dared to look before. Sometimes in the beginning of our spiritual exploration, once we’ve had a taste of the beautiful light that inhabits us, we want to change everything in order to live up to that light but we must not allow our practice to get in the ideal of perfection BUT RATHER ALLOW OUR PERFECT SOULS ACCEPT OUR IMPERFECT HUMANITY AND LET OUR IMPERFECT BODIES CULTIVATE COURAGE TO LIVE OUT OUR PERFECT SOULS.
From one sweet soul to another, much metta to you, fellow meditators."